Jin Ling wasn't expecting to see anyone on the lonely beach he'd scoped out the last time he was at Gusu for a Discussion Conference.
He didn't try to escape the conferences often, but occasionally, when everything got to be too much and he felt too young for his social peers and too old for his agemates, he bowed out of the evening's banquet, mounted his sword, and flew east to the sea.
Today, as he descended onto the promontory, he found that someone had already claimed the spot—the rays of the setting sun sparked off a cultivator's silver guan. Not knowing what else to do, Jin Ling continued his descent. He landed lightly enough, but the man looked around immediately, and Jin Ling was startled to realize that it was Lan Xichen.
"Lan-zongzhu," he said, bowing over his sword. "I apologize for disturbing you."
"Not at all," Lan Xichen said, smiling gently at him as he returned his bow. "Jin-zongzhu is welcome here as well."
"I didn't see you leave the banquet," Jin Ling blurted out, then grimaced. It almost sounded like an accusation, the way he said it.
"Nor I you," Lan Xichen said, chuckling. "I guess we've both gotten pretty good at sneaking out." He gestured at the sea with his arm. "Will you sit with me?"
There was something about Lan Xichen's demeanor that invited confidences, Jin Ling thought as he sat down cross-legged on the cracked rocks. The sun was still setting behind them, a long slow slide toward the horizon, but the ocean in front of them was dark, a vast glimmering void—like ink ground from a monstrous inkstick onto the great inkstone of the earth. Jin Ling felt his nerves quieting as he looked out on it.
"How did you do it?" he asked abruptly, after a long stretch of time during which all he could hear was the crashing of waves far below and the breathing of the man sitting next to him.
"Do what?" Lan Xichen asked a moment later.
"When you first became sect leader, you weren't much older than me. It's been six years, and I still feel like I'm stumbling through it." Jin Ling brought his knees up to his chest, rested his chin on them. He knew all the things that went wrong for Lan Xichen, of course, knew his own history. But Lan Xichen had always loomed large in his memory as someone who knew what to do, always. Now that he was out of seclusion and acting as sect leader again, it was the same—Lan Xichen was poised, just, thoughtful, diplomatic. Jin Ling felt like a toddler in comparison.
"I'll tell you a secret."
Jin Ling turned to Lan Xichen, tilting his head in question.
"You never stop feeling as though you're stumbling through it," Lan Xichen told him. He was still looking out onto the sea, and his customary smile was gone from his face. He looked, if anything, tired, older than his years. "As the leaders of our sects, we have a terrible responsibility," Lan Xichen continued. "To do right by our people and by the ordinary people in our territories. We can rely on our advisors and our senior disciples, but in the end the decisions are ours. We can only do our best, hope that it's enough, that at the end of the day we've behaved righteously, averted harms, and helped those who needed it." He turned away from the water to meet Jin Ling's eyes and his smile was incredibly sad. "Sometimes it won't be enough, but that doesn't excuse us from continuing to try."
Jin Ling swallowed against the lump in his throat. Somehow he knew without being told that Lan Xichen was talking about, well, lots of things, probably, but his xiao-shushu among them. When would he stop being caught off guard by all the people Jin Guangyao had hurt?
He'd spent the first years of his tenure as sect leader tracking down and making reparation to the people harmed by his Jin sect. Not just Jin Guangyao's doing, but his grandfather's too. The Jin sect still counted as a Great Sect, but only due to the weight of history. The sect under Jin Ling's care was a much diminished thing. Jin Ling scrambled into a more proper sitting position and bowed properly to Lan Xichen. "Thank you for your advice, Lan-zongzhu."
Lan Xichen laughed a little, then returned his bow. "You're welcome, for whatever it's worth."
Jin Ling raised his eyebrows in an expression inherited from his jiujiu. "Are you questioning my sincerity?" he demanded. "If you must know, learning that my elders are just as confused and uncertain as I am is very reassuring."
Lan Xichen laughed again, more genuinely this time. "Well, I'm glad I could reassure you, in that case."
When they both turned back to look at the sea, the silence between them was a lighter thing.